So it’s safe to say I am a Facebook whore.

I also take 6 buses to and from work per day on average.

I also have quite as temper.

Combine the three and you have…my Bus Statuses!

To the point,  borderline offensive and often inappropriate they have become a popular source of amusement amongst my pals, who often urge me to start a bus blog or Twitter or a book, declaring they live for my busstatuses…hahaha!!!  But for now I will write and update them all here.  Bear in mind they are all over the place when it comes to which person I am speaking in and are copied and pasted after my name from my FB.  Don’t be shocked by my language,don’t take my views all too seriously, don’t be offended if you are a bus driver, just enjoy:

– today I thought I had left my phone on a bus.  I made another bus driver chase said bus, go through traffic lights, let me off then let me back on when I missed the bus, get me on the bus, get me to my seat, look for my phone, make a woman ring it…and my bra vibrated.  Thank god it was on silent…

– despite the strange advances from the drunken ginge on the bus G is still so happy with Robbie – Happy 15 months Grumpy x

nearly killed someone trying to get a seat on the bus today

hates bloody fucking buses. Top of the hate list of ‘Annoying Things Dickheads Do On Buses’ is people who ding the dong millions of times after it has already been danged, and seeing frail old people grip on tight to the rail cos some fat lazy chavnob won’t give up their Priority seat…

hates every form of transportation. Primarily planes buses and camels.

needs to start reading books that don’t make her blub on the bus

– you know you’ve still got it when a bus driver invites you onto his bus at the bus station, offers you profiteroles and tells you he would drive you all the way home if it wouldn’t get him sacked. Tru luv.

is shocked and disgusted by the sheer volume of people on the bus at 5am this morning…

– the bus said it terminated so I got off then it drove on. FML.

Quote of the day by two women on my bus: “Didn’t she have cystitis?” “You mean cystic fibrosis!?”

wonders if you have to have a lobotomy before coming a bus driver or it’s free with the job

is being cracked onto by the bus driver. So many puns…

is sat on the bus and although she doesn’t remember pissing herself it certainly smells a little uriney…

very much enjoyed the bus driver not letting her on the bus at the alighting point,and making her run to the stop for it. Prick.

just used her foot to hail a bus and paid with her Oyster in her mouth. The joys of large shopping trips and no car…

felt so bad about getting the bus for just 3 stops that she limped on and off it – resulting in being given a seat!!!!

officially LOATHES buses,bus drivers, buses, bus drivers and buses.

had trouble sleeping what with the sounds of some chavs having a messy violent break up in the street and missed the bus cos the driver couldn’t seem to register my hand being out. Utter nob.

doesn’t get people who think they personally have to press the button to stop the bus, resulting in it sounding like a bell ringing competition. If only it gave electric shocks after the first few presses…

is unsure whether crying on the bus at sad books is acceptable, however, it is better than shitting on them, which it appears someone has, judging from the pleasant aroma wafting on the morning air

hates buses, airports and fires, not necessarily in that order

just walked to the bus stop with unrubbed in face cream on her chin – this might explain the wink a dirty old man gave her

thinks that the wanker bus driver should save his calls to sexlines for another time and bloody start the bus on time and take me home

thinks that she has already wasted a year of her life waiting for buses

has learnt a few new swearwords from a bus driver today, who says that getting up early was no fun?!

– speedbumps on the bus = black eyes

– when I got on the bus at half five in the morning looking fat and tired and bedraggled the bus driver just glared at me and set off at great speed as soon as I had oystered, causing a near tumble. When the gorgeous polished air hostess floated on, smiling and looking stunning, he turned red, wished her a good morning and made sure she had taken her seat before gliding off…

– nothing is more funny and irritating than hearing two asbos playing shitty phone music and rapping along to it on the bus.

– running for the bus is a good workout…right…?

is going to start giving out disposable cameras to the people on the bus, as they have clearly never seen a person with big boobs/foot tattoos/an elevenses bar before.

wonders if interviews for bus driving positions go something like this ‘ “What is the time?” “5pm” (it is 5.30) “Wow, the job is yours!”

really can’t stand it when girls make their bfs carry all their bags and suitcases onto the bus and then stand and hold them whilst they sit there like princesses

just had a tramp offer her some of his beer on the bus. Was it a hit or do I look like a wino?

thinks that her bus driver believes he is in the sequel to the film ‘Speed’ , but the opposite way round as he is refusing to go over 25mph and stop for minutes at a time at every bus stop

How is it possible to wait for 15mins for 1 bus, and see 4 of a different bus go past?!

Unanswered qus from my morning…
Is it possible to get a heart attack from bus waiting stresses?
Who in their right mind wears huge heels and a faceful of slap on a flight, bar an air hostess?
Why do fat people always sit next to me on buses, thus giving us both no room to move/breathe etc.

– there are some who may say that quitting a job over a bus is a bit dramatic, but as I have been standing here, shivering in the cold for half an hour whilst plenty of other buses that have come from Richmond pass me, I feel it is the right thing to do.

is hoping for some good bus karma, having just paid for a poor German lady, loaded with suitcases and only a twenty pound note, which the driver refused

Eurgh, a haggish looking minger just gyrated round the bus pole. Why oh why?!

– thank you diagonal bag strap, you have once again succeeded in humiliating me by undoing that crucial button on my already see through shirt in front of an entire doubledecker busload of people

is not a massive fan of bus drivers, however, when a bunch of teenage chav wankers think it’s ok to shout abuse at a bus driver for not letting them on the bus without Oysters, I get really pissed off

– lovely weather, perfect driving conditions…til your bus hits a tree and cracks the front window.

was running too late to get a pedicure before catching the bus to Heathrow, so Robbie painted her nails at the bus stop and only charged her half as much!x

– the buses look funny, the money feels strange, the weather is shit, the people are rude… It’s safe to say I have post holiday blues

has been smiling at people and thanking bus drivers, only to be met with blank hostile stares… I miss Australia :(

just got lucky on the bus 😉

is sure that the reason the bus driver stopped for her in the street is cos running for the bus caused my bag strap to unfasten my shirt…

is always nice to bus drivers who aren’t pricks, always thanks them as the gets off the bus, always offers her seat to old people… So why do I keep getting smelly tramps sitting near me?! Bus karma, you suck! Vom.

Bus crashes will not hinder me.

– so we’re supposed to let old people onto buses and trains and tubes first, even if we were there first. We’re supposed to give up our seats for them, even if we are knackered from a long day at work. We’re supposed to hold heavy doors open for them. How about they start showing some bloody gratitude.  And I will forever be courteous, despite their lack of appreciation. Yet if a ‘yobbo’ is rude to them they bear grudge forever! Grrrr. Thank goodness I have lovely grandparents who are the best wrinklies ever!

– when the button gets pressed more than once on the bus I experience a fleeting irrational homocidal rage that raises my blood pressure a fair few times a day…

– never ever experiment with taking a new bus that you have no idea where it goes, and attempt to get to work on it… Ah shit

– if someone goes to sit next to you on the bus, but then decides to sit next to another random, it is acceptable etiquette to hurl abuse at them? People are odd at this hour :s

– tbf, if I were a bus driver and all day long I was faced with miserable bastards with no credit/oyster/money bar a £50 note trying to argue their way on, being abusive, never being grateful if the bus driver stops for them if they run, or swearing cos they are nowhere near a stop and therefore the driver cannot legally let them on, then I would probably have a face like a slapped arse too

– stubbing a ciggy out on the side of the bus, right by the fuel tank = EPICWINLOLZZZ!!!11111

– today I ran for 8 buses. Today I caught all 8 buses. Those were today’s only good points.

– yes snooty Granny on the bus, wearing an across the body bag with a button up shirt can undo the buttons across my baps and require me to do them up, would you rather I flash you?

wonder what it is about Richmond that compels people to bathe in their own wee for months on end, drink heavily and then try to sit on my lap on the bus

– so I was just on the 65 to work, a middle aged middle class mumsy type sat opposite me, her old school nokia went off, she fished into her Cath Kidson bag to answer it ‘hello darling, I’m just on the 69 bus’ BEST FREUDIAN SLIP EVER

– it’s always good to try to sort out problems in a relationship, rationalise the fact that you cheated on your gf as you thought she was ‘fucking’ your best mate, and explain who you sent a ‘not that filthy’ naked photo to a girl who works in ASDA who ‘isn’t a slut actually’ – and even better, do this on the phone whilst on a crowded bus with kids on it

– I don’t want a bus to Richmond! But all the Richmond buses are coming! Why doesn’t this happen when I am running late for work?! Fuck you Sod

– BUS RAGE STATUS ALERT: I’m a big girl. I don’t appreciate an even bigger girl being squished next to me, seeing me press the button, not moving until I ask then sorta shifting about so I have to squeeeeze out. I felt like I was being born.

– sitting at the back of the bus on the vibrating engine always makes me think of Camilla 😉

wonders if the people at the back of the upper deck on the bus realise that their attempts to give each other satisfaction via their hands are being broadcasted on the screen for the entire lower deck…

– the sun is shining, I managed to iron my shirt without the fifty year old iron leaving marks on it, I successfully left the house early and the bus to work passed me as I did…but then waited for me at the bus stop! And I have a photoshoot in my smalls next week. What could be better?!

– approximately 6 empty double seats on the bus, and the piss smelling biddy sits on my lap. Not cool. It seems to happen far too often.

– I’m in my flipflops&floaty dress and just pegged it (past a runner :p) for the bus, one hand holding the dress, the other my ( o Y o )   Bus and boob status ftw

– this bus journey is really working my core

– if you’re too stuck up your own bleached arsehole to let anyone but your label bag use the chair next you then stop getting buses

– I hate people. I may become a bus driver.

I just saw Gandalf driving a bus. I suppose times have been hard since Lord Of The Rings

– how do old people and people with headphones in always manage to get away with their oyster failing to swipe?! BLOODY BUSES

Having a strange smelly man sit on me on the bus and order me to close windows definately brought out Moody George

– 2 policemen got on my bus, remarking how slow the night was, spotted a guy with his feet on the seats…BAM, authority harshly exerted!

– old man on the bus shut up. A bus not stopping for you is no excuse or you to loudly preach your racist views.

is considering rejoining Twitter purely to write bus statuses…

– today there are no buses, only trains and having just had a woman look at me and run away I can see that it will prove just as eventful…

– there is a woman (on my bus) holding her Oyster in such a way that only her wedding finger is on display, the proud home of a glittery ring in the shape of the 2 C’s in the Chanel label…vom, cheers for sharing love

– it takes a real man to pull of wearing a large purple glittery plastic bracelet. Unfortunately the weird goth (on the bus) doesn’t quite have the edge

– if showering and deodorising are activities you avoid and you smell like you fell in a vat of poo the night after a heavy boozey session and worked up quite a sweat trying to remove yourself from said vat then you need to stay off my precious bus

– boobs and flip flops do not hinder me, I always get my beloved 8 buses per day

– just got spanked by an old woman. She did try the whole ‘oh I was just reaching for the handrail as the bus lurched round the corner’ excuse but lady, don’t try to fight it

– just missed two buses and got the third, which overtook the first two. My day can only get worse.

– one way to put me off eating forever would be to sketch the image of the rather large woman on my bus who clearly thought ‘fuck it, I’m gonna wear a short top and very tight high leggings to proudly display my enormous camel toe to the world’ into the back of my eyelids

– the man next to me on the bus defo pissed himself. About a week ago.

officially fucking hates buses. If I press the bell I expect to be able to get off at the next stop, not be driven past it into a traffic jam and then not get let off til the next stop ten minutes later.

– the only reason for me going to see Slut C today is that I get to take 3 buses there and 3 back

just saw a man cross himself before entering the bus…wow

– big respect to the large couple on the bus who have whipped out some sausage rolls, scotch eggs, crisps, coke and…paper plates and cups. Picnics on the bus ftw

– loves the look on business wankers faces when the get asked to move their briefcase/wide spread leg/bag from the seat next to them to allow mere peasants to journey alongside them on public transport. Get back in your penis extensions s-nobs.

– if it’s been a few days since you attended to your underarms then you may wanna hang onto the bars on the bus, not the overhead handles, it’s nothing to be proud of

just witnessed a beautiful bromance on the bus between two drunken ladz. Burger feeding and man hugs took place. Beautiful.  Brokebus Mountain.

has actually been kidnapped by an angry bus driver. I knew this day would come. Fuck

has found that if you miss one bus by mere milliseconds and then swear and throw a massive tantrum another will instantly appear

is more than a little scared of the lady who looks like the ‘Drag Me To Hell’ woman, especially as she and her shopping trolley seem to like the ankles of those who pushed in on the bus…

– thank god for the drunken god loving foul mouthed high pitched fat man on my bus, I was beginning to find it all rather boring

– just changed up a woman’s fiver as the bus driver was about to chuck her back into the cloud piss. Karma, come get me.

– top tip for making everyone on the bus stare at you like you are a freak: have a fly fly up your nose.

– I wondered why everyone let me past to get on the bus. Then I realised that my iced bottle of water that had been sat on my lap had left a nice damp patch on my dress.

– I love nothing more than sitting on the bus on the way home after a long busy night at work…and hearing a man with the world’s most boring voice discuss steak. So far he has covered minute steaks, the most expensice cuts and why, how you should cut not tear your steak, how steak is ‘bastardised’ when cooked too well. Really?! Pipe down Mr Beef

– I’m seriously considering handing in my apron and waistcoat and applying for an office hour job at the Machine Mart. Which is next to my flat. No buses.

– the pretty Mummy with the gorgeous kids and shit hot parenting skills on my bus is making me broody as feck…

– so I’m wearing a long top with cut off tights. I just went to get off the bus. Stood there for a minute or so. Some woman tapped me. My top was hitched up. Arse cheeks no doubt were flashed. I styled it out…by running away.

– brilliant, the usually nice bus driver had a go at some knucklehead wanker who tried to sneak on for free, twatty man got angry and told the bus driver ‘when I get off I’m gonna spit in your hair’. For one, that’s gross and weird and for two the bus driver sits inside a box! Nobber!

– this train is nothing like my buses. I can’t cope with not seeing the driver and not hearing the constant button pressing. Give me back my bus :(

– I love nothing more than a bus driver who does not fear the bends in the road…

– I’ve been waiting for a bus for 15mins. A man went to sit next to me but his bus turned up right away and he smiled at me and said ‘I’m lucky’. Go fys.

Wow at the teenage girl (on my bus) who was telling her adoring companions:
So I go to this place where they give you free jonnies but give you a RIGHT sex lecture and they told me even if sperm lands on your thigh it can swim up. Like imagine a patch of it just moving. Eurgh.

– I’m going to invest in a cattle prod, that’s the only way to get these rude pushy school children to honour the old ‘I was waiting here first let me on the bus’ unspoken rule. Twats.

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